I don’t know if you know what it’s like to find yourself completely fucked up mentally but it’s a problem that doesn’t go away if you ignore it. It’s a problem that gets worse the more you ignore it. This became very clear to me for reasons I could write a whole novel about however, the reason why I bring it up here is because when you have this clear experience that it’s getting worse and not better (it: being symptoms of mental illness) than it lights a fire under you, you know? This kind of realization that you are falling and losing your mind is the same realization that your life is ending. It is the experience of losing your grip on the world. It is the experience of becoming aware of your own decay.

 

What else could it be?

And.

 

 What is the opposite of decay?

 

For me, I lost my ability to connect with my family. I lost my ability to articulate my experience. I’d get panic attacks for no reason and I knew they were for no reason but no matter how much I talked or which drugs I consumed they wouldn’t stop. Then the symptoms began to get worse and worse. I became neurotic, I lost my ability to keep a schedule. I became a flake. My body was wrapped so tight in agony that holding conversations became painful and exhausting.

 

At the time that everything really fell apart I was driving a modern cab (lyft) in San Francisco to pay the bills. On one particular day when I was transitioning back into manic I logged onto the internet to check my Facebook and everyone was sharing a story about how some fucked up guy stormed a school and killed a bunch of kids before blowing his brains out. I scrolled down because what the fuck can you do about that and see a post from one of my friends who is retired Military raising awareness about PTSD. So, I shut the computer and went to work.

 

A few hours later - while at work driving - a homeless man walks in the middle of a one way street and I throw my foot on the break stopping traffic. The man begins flailing his arms about. His neck is rapped so tight his eyes look like they are going to pop out of his head. He’s yelling about something. He’s screaming about something. Minutes go by. It feels like eternity. The honking behind me began to scream louder than the man in front of me and the passenger who is paying for my cab service finally looks up from his phone and chimes in nonchalantly, “Welcome to San Francisco.”

 

“Yeah right” I say sighing. “it’s more like: Welcome to the American way.”

The way of decay.

The way of decay.

The way of decay.

What is the opposite of decay?

What the.... is the opposite of decay?

[External Links to Consider]

National Alliance on Mental Illness: New Trends as of 2013

BBC.com: Mental Health: 10 Charts on the scale of the problem (England)

Mental Health America: The State of Mental Health in America 

M

Has anyone else noticed?